In The Green Room Of My Heart...

Today, I woke up a little perplexed. I am asking myself why after all this time I still wake up dreaming about you.

The dream? Like any other dream that’s so obscure, this one is like it, it just didn’t mean anything, or at least it didn't seem like that. I was with you talking, I don’t know what we were talking about but in that dream I was looking at you, so intently. I seemed so far away but I see myself there with you. Your face so clear, every single little detail… your really dark brown hair pointing everywhere, your glasses that give you that mature yet intelligent look, your brows that you secretly plucked when we were still together, well, a lot of people does that, but yours are something everybody envied and loved, your perfect nose, those lips that seemed to smile all the time, eventhough serious, and a lot of other details...

See, I can even describe every detail of your beautiful face. It was beautiful then, beautiful still, but that face that launched a thousand ships, so to speak… well, I will never look at it the same ever again.

In all my dreams about you, I never had a dream like this before. Vague yet clear at the same time. The past dreams I had were seeing you from afar, either with somebody else, doing something that seemed really important, like what you always do in real life, and so on. In this one though, I was talking to you, face to face, and for some reason, I was hurting, and I was trying my hardest not to show you that I am dying hurt. I don’t know. I still find it weird dreaming about you, I wanna know why, why up until now. It’s not like I still think of you everyday anymore. Sometimes I go on for a month minding my business realizing then that you haven’t popped in my mind for some time already. You actually haven’t passed my mind for some time now… till this dream...

It’s been, what, more than a year already since we parted ways. I already stopped counting. I already stopped waiting. I wanna stop hurting. It hurts to think that you have probably moved on already long time ago, while me… I guess I want to say I have too, but somehow it’s still here… I can lie to everybody else, I can lie to you… I can even lie to the whole world… but not to myself. It still hurts once in a while. But you will never know that.

You know that right now I am happy, content. But that’s what you know. You probably have noticed a bit of cool coldness whenever we talk but hey, you would think that’s just me sometimes. I may seem not to have feelings for you anymore, but it will always be there, some of that old feeling, but then again, you will never get to know that anymore as well.

You will forever be in my heart… and nowhere else in this physical world we live in, not anymore.

In the green room of my heart, you will always live there. I may not think of you sometimes, not talk to you but you’ll always be there. It’s a really small little room where I know you will have everything you need, a really beautiful room but the thing is you can’t go out… but then again, it’s like paradise, only it’s a small room in my heart because I do only have one.. and the other rooms are for my family and another for friends and another for, maybe, the next person I will be loving next. I do not think I will ever love the same again but I will definitely love again. Maybe better, maybe greater, maybe harder… maybe. But never the same way again.

In that green room, everything is fixed, beautiful but fixed, so you can’t move anything. It’s a place where I know you will be safe and I know I can be safe from ever being hurt by you again.

Oh, the bigger room, the red one that you used to occupy upstairs is still there but it’s still messy, everything everywhere, I will have to fix it but you will never have that room anymore because I now know you can’t take care of it. You weren’t careful enough. It’s one of my most special rooms that not everyone can just get in. That room, it will take a long time fixing but it will definitely be fixed.

Until then, I will just keep on dreaming whatever, meet people wherever and it's okay because I know I will always have you in the green room of my heart.

FIN.

n.b. This blog was originally written on August 28, 2006. I just decided to repost it. Thanks for reading.

(for more of my blogs, go to http://jt26_xxvi.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/ )