Journal Entry Edited and More....

I have the best family in the world. The most fun relatives. People always envy me for being so close to almost all my cousins, uncles and aunts, both sides. I hang with them like they’re just my friends, only they’re all more like my best friends. Both my grandfathers are gone, my grandmother from my mom’s side is gone as well, but I still have “Mama”, my dad’s mom, my "lola", who just happens to be only the best in the world.

I have the coolest friends, different sets for different aspects of my life. I am connected to the coolest people both here and abroad. Soon, I will be working for, what I think is, one of the best companies here. Am using all these superlatives because that’s just how it is, I can’t get a notch lower to describe them because they really are the coolest, the best… “bestest” even.

I love having all these people around, surrounding me with tons of encouragement and love… and truly enjoying having all these other good things happening to me… who wouldn’t?

But that’s not the point.

Up until now, my love life is still like a blank paper. I’ve had relationships in the past but now people keep on asking me “when”... over and over and over again?

Last night, I was just relaxing, watching some dvd in the living room and all of a sudden I found myself staring at the wall, then I asked myself, “Yeah… When?” I guess I wasn’t really thinking of when’s gonna be the next but it was more like when’s gonna be that one final relationship that I dream of lasting forever. Weird thing was it didn’t really sound like I was asking myself that, it sounded more like someone behind me asked me it. Then I thought of writing this.

I did find some people just last year. Some were a little too much for me to handle, some didn’t quite work out well, some just seemed like plain infatuation for me, maybe because somehow I knew at the back of my mind, I wanna be in love. But then I realized, it was just nothing, felt nothing.

Well, guess what, am not really searching because I have always been sorta scared of that one serious relationship when I will have to give myself again and be vulnerable to everything that person is gonna say, do or even think. But then again, I still want that serious relationship, the kind that I know is gonna be for keeps… but then again, am scared… but then again...

I just keep telling myself being single is good, carefree… I can do anything I want! Blah... blah... blah!!!

But sometimes, you know, at the end of the day, I would really hope someone could be there for me... whenever I feel sad, or maybe if am happy, share it with me. It’s true. Just like in bed, for example, I’m more comfortable sleeping alone but sometimes I know it also feels good to hug someone and be hugged back (note bene: I really prefer hugging someone than being hugged, something about me wanting to be more dominant… or something like that, am not really sure).

Just a couple of days back, I spoke to this person who I consider one of the reasons I am who I am now, he’s been like a big brother to me all these years, sorta like my mentor also. He told me so many enlightening things in the past but that day he told me something soo encouraging I felt so relaxed right away and knew after that that everything’s gonna be fine.

He told me, “John, I know you. Don’t think of things not worth thinking about. I see you like a big beautiful tree still rooting and preparing itself for the world to love. Take your time and cherish what you have now for they will never pass your life ever again. And when you’re fully-rooted and grown, strong and grand, you’d be unstoppable.” I mean hey, he sounded more like I’m the next Superman or some celestial being coming down to earth, just waiting to be adored, but that made my day somehow. I mean that and the other things he told me.

Another year already came to an end, with it I shall close another chapter of my life. I’ve finally decided that what has happened in the last few months is just a dream that I've conjured up. The words, the intentions, I've just deliberately distort them to keep my hopes alive.

So for 2008, among other of my resolutions, I shall try to stop my infatuation for this person. I'm always like that, infatuated but never truly involved. I know it's going to be tough, but I also know that just like all my previous uhmmm, how do you call it, crushes (well, that sounds more like someone from highschool would say but you get the idea), I will definitely forget.

Although I know one day, the same sequence will happen again… and maybe again... and again… and again. I guess that’s how it's gonna be, always trying to love and yet ending up being loveless… till maybe, just maybe, that fated day will come when I will know it’s gonna be that person for real. The person who will rock my world forever... so to speak.

It's such a bitter sweet process, each and every one of them every time. Worst part of getting involved is when I know it’s gonna happen or when I know it’s happening already and I don’t want it to happen, it still happens because I seem not to have enough power to stop it from happening, or maybe simply because I just want it to happen.

Loving and forgetting. Come to think about it, I never did forget, it's just that the memories are more distant now, each and everyone becoming just a blur, but still a memory.

Another year, another time this time to go out, meet people, create more friends… my doing those in the past and my doing them now are really never about finding "the one", or at least not intentionally, they’re more about me being there and doing that, experiencing every one (well, not literally, by the way) and being able to tell myself "no, this isn’t 'the one'" and continuing in believing that there is "the one"… somewhere waiting, believing, hoping that I will soon come. Hope lives when you believe, you know. At least that’s what I think.

I keep telling everybody that am scared of a relationship, that I am not ready when in fact I feel and I think I want one already, a real one. Am I in denial? I guess I am. But hey, no one’s getting hurt, so that’s okay still, I guess. Being in denial can be a blessing sometimes.

I'd also like to say that I’ve been partying, clubbing, going out since I left the seminary, I was 14 then. Yup, I once did go there. Now I’m, well, you know how old I am. You do the Math. I also happen to know loads of people in the clubs. I mean loads, tons and tons of 'em. Flirting from one person to another, getting drinks, chatting, then just moving on. By the way, just because I'm soo easygoing, soo approachable, soo friendly and soo talkative and just because people think am soo funny and soo open, some people think that I sleep around a lot, that I’m easy. I'm like what?! Night-outs are fun but undoubtedly, I always go home alone… well, okay, not always.

You see, I am the kind of a person who lives different lives at different levels with different sets of friends for different aspects of my life. But that doesn’t make me different. I know tons of people who seem to be living this (quote) normal (unquote) kind of a life but just isn’t. For some, it can be a confusing kind of life but I've sorta gotten used to it. I have friends I’ve been with for years who don’t know my other friends whom I've also known for years. It’s just the way it is. It’s like, for example, most people think I suck at cooking but for some they know for a fact that I work as a chef… or some would think I have the baddest ass when actually am a dork. I can explain further but I know you get the point. Some would think that’s like fooling other people, well it’s not. It’s just how I live my life. It’s about who I wanna be with, who and what I wanna be and who I wanna share my thoughts with, it's just about me really...

But as for love, if I were to bump into someone I like, I wouldn’t mind giving it a shot… always. That’s just who I am, always believing something great can come out of anything… but if you’re a part of my past, that’s always where you’re just gonna be. We could’ve been a couple but if we’re through, we’re through. Well, some of you already know that.

This might sound so cliché but I know “someone” is there waiting for me. I'm not bitter, not miserable, though for some reason I feel some would think that now. Am cynical, pragmatic, maybe... sometimes. hopeful, definitely. But bitter, miserable, I think not. It’s my personality to always complain of the little things just like this one now but am not really complaining you see... and yeah, I do appreciate little things as well.

My longest relationship lasted 5 years. Most people around me don’t know that. But my point is I know I am capable of getting into relationships and giving my heart away… whole.

So now, am thinking my thoughts aloud, if you’re there, my "someone", tell me. Am just here.

Am taking something out from my journal for others to see and read, my way of thinking aloud. So for others, to my friends and for those who think of me as their friend or whatever, tell me what you think. Am I easy, am I bitter, am I better or am I just being me... You tell me.

FIN...