Like always, I don’t really know how to start but I'm gonna start anyways. I would try to randomly share my thoughts, hoping it would make any sense at all. Lols.
May 24 (Manila,Philippines)/ May 23 (Toronto,Canada)
Some time early in the morning an uncle of mine died. I don’t really want to go into details as to what are the causes of how or why he died. But somehow, I guess, it was time. He was one of my closest uncles, well, okay, he became one of my closest uncles just recently. By recently, I mean right after my “teen” years, so to speak… which, by the way, wasn’t really that long time ago, lols. I’m not proud to say that I wasn’t a good nephew back then, or a good son, for that matter. But I’m happy we became so much closer after compared to before that.
His wife, who’s unfortunately passed as well, happens to be who I considered my closest aunt and the best ever. There’s not a day that I would think of her and not miss her.
As soon as I heard the news, I stopped what I was doing (Don’t ask! ^^,) and came right over to meet my cousins.
I saw the pain in all their eyes, tears were continuously flowing. One thing I hate about myself is every time I see someone close to me cry, I can’t help but do the same thing, sometimes even if I don’t know the reason, lol. But sometimes I'd just leave. It's both a curse and a blessing to easily feel another person’s feelings (pains, etc.) and be able put your feet on their shoes right away without effort.
Once again, I was reminded of my mortality. I’ve always said to people I’m more scared of growing old alone than dying… but now, I’m thinking maybe I’m scared of both. Maybe I’m really a "scaredy cat" trying to look and act tough… or maybe am really tough, only scared sometimes… or maybe I’m all of that all at the same time. I really dunno.
Everyday I live my life as if I’m gonna live forever but then every time somebody dies, especially a loved-one, I’m reminded of how short life actually just is. I procrastinate on a lot of things… all the time. That’s one of my main problems actually. So many plans, so little time, so much putting off, so often.
I do express my love to everyone I love as often as I could, so no problem there on the aspect of showing and expressing my love... but still, I feel like I can do more, do better.
When my uncle died, I thought about my mom. I texted her right away, told her about the news and told her how much I love and miss her. What will happen to me if she dies? Thinking about it scares me so much already but I know we all have to go eventually. Death, as we all know, is inevitable. It sucks. But why does it have to be inevitable anyways? I guess we'll never really know.
I was talking to a friend last April 10 and we were like talking about my being bald and all because as some would remember I shaved all my hair. Then at one point of our conversation, he mentioned that maybe I just shaved all my hair off because I actually was terminally ill and was undergoing chemotherapy, just so it wouldn’t be obvious to everyone… he was, of course, joking. But that joke got stuck in my head that I actually dreamt about it, me actually having the big and scary C. I woke up so scared and it seemed so real I felt I really had it. Even now, am still scared I can't even make that long overdue general physical checkup appointment.
Eventually though I know I have to have that physical checkup. Just like death, I have to gather all my courage and eventually face it. Lols. I've been scared and have actually experienced crazy stuffs doctors do to their patients during checkups and I’ve passed all that (think whatever you like!) but I’ve never been this scared of a physical checkup ever before. Funny how a simple conversation can affect a person so much. All just because of that talk with that friend of mine... Oh wells.
I’ve always believed when somebody cries over a death of a loved-one, he’s also healing himself at the same time by doing so. So one has to face reality and accept the fact that it has really happened and crying is one way to easily heal oneself. I’ve heard of some people who didn't cry when their parents or loved-ones died but that hiding of emotion eventually broke out and did more damage to them and those people around them than those who simply just accepted the fact and cried. Talk about implosive and explosive emotions. (ref. anger management)
When my dad passed away I’ve gone reclusive for a long time until I decided to finally have that talk with them, both God and my Dad. I went alone where my dad is buried and stayed there for a while. Talking to them, blaming them, even cursing them. Crying.
My life has never been the same after that. I mean I’m still not the best person I think I could be but it all started there. My actual search for betterment. Oh and right now, am still searching... and finding... and questioning… all the time.
I'd rather die searching and never knowing the answers to my questions than live and just convincing myself I know it all already. Same with religion... but that's another topic.
When my uncle died and saw how painful it was for my cousins, I wanted to do something to ease the pain they’re feeling. But there really wasn’t anything I can do but just to be there for them. I knew from my experience that they have to go through it themselves to heal themselves. They can’t be healed unless they want to.
A drug-dependent person or an alcoholic cannot fully recover, no matter how long he’s spent in an institution if the willingness isn’t really there. Some pain is there that’s why he does what he does, not to mention an additional high (or low for that matter) that he gets aside from being able to forget whatever pain or suffering he's going through. But the pain won’t go unless you face it head on. I don’t wanna sound preachy or anything, but I just wanna share what I went through. I can still try to recall my dad’s death like it was yesterday and I could just bathe on that sorry-ass feeling I was feeling back then again. But I know somehow he’s in a better place now, a better place than where I am now... and that makes a whole lot of difference and makes me a whole lot happier somehow.
I’m not saying I will ever be ready for any of a loved-one's death… ever, but life has taught me so much as to how to face it. You go through a phase and after that, you just have to keep on living because that’s just the way it is. Life and death, they could either be both your best friends or your worst enemies, you choose.
Okay, I know, I know… I really have to stop procrastinating. This blog is also my way to reminding myself and those I know that life is so short you just have to live it to the fullest and grab it by the neck. Another cliché, yes... but so true. Same as youth only passes your life once, so take advantage of it.
I really don’t have the luxury of immortality to procrastinate, so either I start moving now or precious seconds of my life get wasted again, I’ve wasted so much already… and I mean sooooooooo much! Not just seconds, or minutes or hours... I've already wasted years. I know I can be more than what I am right now… starting NOW!
Dad, Papa, Tita Baby A., Tito Jun A., Tito Boy M., Tito Al T., I will forever miss you and you’ll always be alive in my heart. Everything I learned from you guys have been engraved in my soul. Thanks! This another good change is for all you guys… and for my Mom and my brothers and those other people I so love.
My new motto now can be summed up in one word: NOW! and that's how it's gonna be from now on!
