26 Random Facts About JT © ^^,

A friend asked me to do this, and so I did. I posted this on my others sites as well.

Just little some things about me thought at the top of my head... =D

(1) I talk to myself most of the time... and yes, sometimes out loud... in public.

(2) Dare me, I might do it. Double dare me... I'm doing it! DARE?! o_O

(3) I like to joke during awkward situations.

(4) I have a really small and almost heart-shaped birthmark on my left cheek. yeah, that cheek! rofl!

(5) I don't lie. But, I do avoid telling the truth. lol.

(6) I care for other people's feelings... Sometimes more than i care for my own.

(7) For some reason, people always come to me and make me their shock absorber. I don't mind though, it feels good to know people trust me that much.

(8) I rarely get angry, if not at all. But when i do, you'll wish you didn't know me.

(9) I'd choose a Volkswagen Beetle over a Lamborghini.... seriously.

(10) I hate using Times New Roman as font.

(11) I love rain.

(12) My Mom and my Mama are my heroes.

(13) It's funny because I used to think the word "abundant" means someone is pregnant. rofl!

(14) I stopped writing my journal last year and have collected about 15 journals over the years.

(15) I do a good job at making myself look foolish in any type of situations.

(16) I have a fascination over Koreans.

(17) As talkative as I may be, I can be a lot quieter than you think.

(18) I'm the moodiest person I know.

(19) Sometimes I feel like I was sent here to save the world... or destroy it. XD

(20) I'm a music freak.

(21) I think life without music would be a mistake... like having a body without a soul. Music is the medicine of the mind... and that's not some quote I got from anyone.

(22) I seriously believe I was a musician of some sort in one of my past lives.. but now, am just an "appreciator" ^^, - if there's such a word.

(23) I watch tv once or twice a month only. Not that i hate it or something like that. I'm just not into it. I prefer to go out and be with people and have fun.

(24) Alone, I just read and listen to music... but sometimes I listen to music and read. ^^,

(25) For the past three years, I have been writing love letters for the person I'm gonna marry, though I haven't met her yet. I write her stuff like "...i know you're thinking of me right now, eventhough we still haven't met... i know you're wondering where i am, hoping that i'll soon come and get you..." Corny huh? But am just such a pathetic helpless romantic... so sue me. lol. I'm giving her those when I meet her.

(26) I have registered accounts on the following: 2 MySpace, 2 Friendster, 1 Multiply, 1 Facebook, 1 Blogspot, 1 Imeem, 14 Yahoos, 5 YM IDs, 8 Hotmail, 2 MSN IDS, 1 Hoverspot, 1 Kodakgallery, 1 Demonoid, 1 Limewire, 1 iMesh, 1 Xtube, 1 YouTube, 1 TristanCafe, 1 Yehey, 1 eBay, 1 Globe, 1 iWin, 1 Samsung, 1 Chikka, 1 Nokia, 1 Sony Ericsson, 1 AOL, 1 iTunes, 1 mIRC.... wow, I realized just now, that's a LOT! Should i go further? Haha.

-FIN-

www.myspace.com/jtxxvi
www.friendster.com/jt26
www.mahlik26.multiply.com
www.imeem.com/johntopacio
www.new.facebook.com/home.php#/profile.php?id=695289749

NOW!

Like always, I don’t really know how to start but I'm gonna start anyways. I would try to randomly share my thoughts, hoping it would make any sense at all. Lols.

May 24 (Manila,Philippines)/ May 23 (Toronto,Canada)

Some time early in the morning an uncle of mine died. I don’t really want to go into details as to what are the causes of how or why he died. But somehow, I guess, it was time. He was one of my closest uncles, well, okay, he became one of my closest uncles just recently. By recently, I mean right after my “teen” years, so to speak… which, by the way, wasn’t really that long time ago, lols. I’m not proud to say that I wasn’t a good nephew back then, or a good son, for that matter. But I’m happy we became so much closer after compared to before that.

His wife, who’s unfortunately passed as well, happens to be who I considered my closest aunt and the best ever. There’s not a day that I would think of her and not miss her.

My uncle… I guess it was his time but his kids weren’t ready. I mean, of course, nobody can ever be ready when it comes to a parent’s passing away, even if, let's say, one already knows a loved-one is terminally ill or something. One can always prepare but can never be ready.

As soon as I heard the news, I stopped what I was doing (Don’t ask! ^^,) and came right over to meet my cousins.

I saw the pain in all their eyes, tears were continuously flowing. One thing I hate about myself is every time I see someone close to me cry, I can’t help but do the same thing, sometimes even if I don’t know the reason, lol. But sometimes I'd just leave. It's both a curse and a blessing to easily feel another person’s feelings (pains, etc.) and be able put your feet on their shoes right away without effort.

Once again, I was reminded of my mortality. I’ve always said to people I’m more scared of growing old alone than dying… but now, I’m thinking maybe I’m scared of both. Maybe I’m really a "scaredy cat" trying to look and act tough… or maybe am really tough, only scared sometimes… or maybe I’m all of that all at the same time. I really dunno.

Everyday I live my life as if I’m gonna live forever but then every time somebody dies, especially a loved-one, I’m reminded of how short life actually just is. I procrastinate on a lot of things… all the time. That’s one of my main problems actually. So many plans, so little time, so much putting off, so often.

I do express my love to everyone I love as often as I could, so no problem there on the aspect of showing and expressing my love... but still, I feel like I can do more, do better.

When my uncle died, I thought about my mom. I texted her right away, told her about the news and told her how much I love and miss her. What will happen to me if she dies? Thinking about it scares me so much already but I know we all have to go eventually. Death, as we all know, is inevitable. It sucks. But why does it have to be inevitable anyways? I guess we'll never really know.

I was talking to a friend last April 10 and we were like talking about my being bald and all because as some would remember I shaved all my hair. Then at one point of our conversation, he mentioned that maybe I just shaved all my hair off because I actually was terminally ill and was undergoing chemotherapy, just so it wouldn’t be obvious to everyone… he was, of course, joking. But that joke got stuck in my head that I actually dreamt about it, me actually having the big and scary C. I woke up so scared and it seemed so real I felt I really had it. Even now, am still scared I can't even make that long overdue general physical checkup appointment.

Eventually though I know I have to have that physical checkup. Just like death, I have to gather all my courage and eventually face it. Lols. I've been scared and have actually experienced crazy stuffs doctors do to their patients during checkups and I’ve passed all that (think whatever you like!) but I’ve never been this scared of a physical checkup ever before. Funny how a simple conversation can affect a person so much. All just because of that talk with that friend of mine... Oh wells.

I’ve always believed when somebody cries over a death of a loved-one, he’s also healing himself at the same time by doing so. So one has to face reality and accept the fact that it has really happened and crying is one way to easily heal oneself. I’ve heard of some people who didn't cry when their parents or loved-ones died but that hiding of emotion eventually broke out and did more damage to them and those people around them than those who simply just accepted the fact and cried. Talk about implosive and explosive emotions. (ref. anger management)

My dad died when I was 16 and though I got used to him being away all the time working, it was really tough when he died. I felt like the whole world was on top of me, as if I was carrying it. I barely spoke to anyone for a while. I felt a little betrayed by God for not giving us that much time to be with him and enjoy his company even for the last time. I felt betrayed by my Dad as well because I missed him so much being gone all the time those years and never really got the chance to really enjoy his company and be a good son to him. There was never enough time given... he was never given a chance. But that’s just the way it is.

When my dad passed away I’ve gone reclusive for a long time until I decided to finally have that talk with them, both God and my Dad. I went alone where my dad is buried and stayed there for a while. Talking to them, blaming them, even cursing them. Crying.

My life has never been the same after that. I mean I’m still not the best person I think I could be but it all started there. My actual search for betterment. Oh and right now, am still searching... and finding... and questioning… all the time.

I'd rather die searching and never knowing the answers to my questions than live and just convincing myself I know it all already. Same with religion... but that's another topic.

When my uncle died and saw how painful it was for my cousins, I wanted to do something to ease the pain they’re feeling. But there really wasn’t anything I can do but just to be there for them. I knew from my experience that they have to go through it themselves to heal themselves. They can’t be healed unless they want to.

A drug-dependent person or an alcoholic cannot fully recover, no matter how long he’s spent in an institution if the willingness isn’t really there. Some pain is there that’s why he does what he does, not to mention an additional high (or low for that matter) that he gets aside from being able to forget whatever pain or suffering he's going through. But the pain won’t go unless you face it head on. I don’t wanna sound preachy or anything, but I just wanna share what I went through. I can still try to recall my dad’s death like it was yesterday and I could just bathe on that sorry-ass feeling I was feeling back then again. But I know somehow he’s in a better place now, a better place than where I am now... and that makes a whole lot of difference and makes me a whole lot happier somehow.

I’m not saying I will ever be ready for any of a loved-one's death… ever, but life has taught me so much as to how to face it. You go through a phase and after that, you just have to keep on living because that’s just the way it is. Life and death, they could either be both your best friends or your worst enemies, you choose.

Okay, I know, I know… I really have to stop procrastinating. This blog is also my way to reminding myself and those I know that life is so short you just have to live it to the fullest and grab it by the neck. Another cliché, yes... but so true. Same as youth only passes your life once, so take advantage of it.

Right now, I'm getting up again, like a hurt but determined soldier, and try to live life anew. And if I fall down again, I can either lay there and sulk or stand up again and just keep trying. I don’t have to wait for tragedies in my life to happen before I start doing things again and make those changes to better myself, big or small. I’m starting now… always "NOW!" from now on... not later... not tomorrow. But NOW! (insert, author Og Mandino, thanks!)

I really don’t have the luxury of immortality to procrastinate, so either I start moving now or precious seconds of my life get wasted again, I’ve wasted so much already… and I mean sooooooooo much! Not just seconds, or minutes or hours... I've already wasted years. I know I can be more than what I am right now… starting NOW!

Dad, Papa, Tita Baby A., Tito Jun A., Tito Boy M., Tito Al T., I will forever miss you and you’ll always be alive in my heart. Everything I learned from you guys have been engraved in my soul. Thanks! This another good change is for all you guys… and for my Mom and my brothers and those other people I so love.

My new motto now can be summed up in one word: NOW! and that's how it's gonna be from now on!

Have You Ever Wondered

Have you ever wondered how life is in fact
A sequence of choices and steps?
How each step that we take
And each choice that we make
Has its own cascade of effects?

Am I taking this job? Am I taking this chance?
Is this love or a simple romance?
Is this a special occasion
Or just an illusion?
That's something I might never know.

...
Yes, I've been thinking
Lately about my life,
This path that I'm taking,
This intricate, wondrous ride.

Going through life without knowing
What the future is holding
Where the current of life might have flown
If at some point in time
We'd have changed our mind,
Is it a curse or a bliss, who's to know?

But there's no use in dwelling in questions and doubts,
I'm living this life only once.
So at each little step on this wondrous path
I'm giving it all that I've got.

...
Yes, I've been thinking
Lately about my life,
This path that I'm taking,
This intricate, wondrous ride.

Thinking about my life...

...06.12.08...

The Dampton Blog: "Crazy Little Thing Called Love"

February 15. 11:43 pm.

Alright. I really don’t know how or where to start.

Well, whatever. But here it goes.

You know how it is when you’re good at something (or at least better than others) and people rely on you on that particular thing or things. Well, one of the things I’m good at, I think, (or once again, at least better than most people I know) is doing Friendster, MySpace, Facebook, Multiply profiles or all those stuff of the same kind. Yeah, pathetic as it sounds but people come to me to do or redo their site. It’s not actually web designing, you see, so I’m not particularly proud of it. The helping part makes me a little proud though.

Anyway, I have this fine ass friend in Ontario, let’s call him Zach, who called me up to ask how I was doing, sweet dude!… we talked about tons of stuff then right before saying our goodbyes we got to talk about our sites and he ranted about his site being boring and stuff and asked me if I could help redo it. So, being the good friend that I am, I said, “No prob”. He gave me his email address and his password… and just like me, his one password is an access to all his accounts.

February 13. Around 2 in the afternoon. I logged on to Zach’s YM and MSN, clicked Mozilla, my primary browser, and signed in to his site and I started redoing it. I noticed he’s got lots of friends. I’m not quite sure if he knows all of them but I wouldn’t be surprised because he’s really, really popular. He has 931 friends. So as I was doing the stuffs that needed to be done, a friend request came in and I checked who it was. This person’s primary photo was some girl named Dampton (Don’t try searching, that isn’t her real profile name, lol) standing and holding a big old cardboard with words, “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” written on it. She was behind the cardboard, sorta looking down. I thought, “What A Loser!” LMFAO!

I realized Zach’s pics were really nice enough to gain that many friends but the thing is, I was guessing and later found out to be true, that he approves just about anyone. So once again, being a friend that I am and being nosy that I am, I saved him the effort and approved the request. I had to. For some reason I felt I needed to since I can’t really see her pics because her profile was set on private. As much as I thought that the primary photo was so not cool and unoriginal, dorky even, my curiousity still got the best of me.

While uploading some music to put on Zach’s profile, I checked Dampton’s. Looking at her primary pic, I still can’t help but smile… sarcastically, that is. 4 sets of pics; 1st folder with 13 pics, 2nd folder with 25, 3rd folder with 56 and the last forder only has 1. I don’t know about you but I hate looking at tons of pics of people I dunno, it doesn’t matter if she’s a famous actress, a supermodel or any other celebrity that I really like but my eyes feast and feed easily and get filled as quickly.

So I chose the last folder. I clicked on it and was almost ready to click “Back To Profile”… but what I saw the following seconds and looking at it seemed to have taken an eternity. Sitting on a big bench in some park, bright sunshine to the left (like there’s even such a thing as a dark sunshine, lol! note: poets and lyricists, please don't), kids everywhere, she was wearing white skirt and light green top and cute flops. The girl in the pic was holding her stomach laughing like a really, really funny joke was just said to her before the picture was shot. She has really white teeth, nice nose and perfect lips, pretty eyes which were almost closed from laughing, but I saw she has brown eyes, perfect skin.

I felt like I was looking at Sports Unlimited’s issue of Tyra Banks (1997) for the first time. I was in awe. I remember my mouth was slightly open when I first saw it. And by that I mean my reaction to both Tyra and Dampton. But Dampton isn’t black, not particularly model-looking, maybe not even as tall as Tyra, maybe not even as pretty but her smile made my heart stop.

Am I in love? Silly? But this feeling is oh so familiar, but it’s been such a long time I think I already forgot, so I could still be wrong. Besides who does fall in love with someone by just looking at a photo?

But hey, I said to myself, this photo could’ve been taken somewhere else, from someone, not knowing her pic is being used by somebody else (insert, identity thief). Well, this thing happens, so I had to look at the other pics. All four sets, 95 pics all and all. By this time, I already forgot what I was supposed to be really doing in the first place and I also forgot I was in Zach’s site and messengers.

Every photo made my heart stop. And once it starts beating again, it made fast skips and beats. It felt like looking at nude pics for the first time, haha, only that these weren’t nude pics. They were actually really wholesome pics. Maybe taken by one hell of a pro photographer, every shot was great, lighting and everything else was perfect. There was no photo that didn’t catch my attention. Every pic was truly awesome, I had to look at each pic longer than I should. I probably started looking at the pic at around 4pm after approximately an hour and a half, or make it two hours, I saw all the pics twice already, so much for the I-don’t-know-about-you-but-I-hate-looking-at-tons-of-pics-of-people-I-dunno statement I made above huh? LOL.

I wasn’t sure what else to think but one thing I was sure of, by that time, was they were definitely all her pics. I read everything in her profile, her blogs, I saw her friends, read her comments and saw how her friends saw her. One particular comment said, “…she used to be the ugly duckling among us her friends but now she gets all the guys…”. One funny comment said, “if only she weren’t my cousin. lol…” I’m like WTF! and one that stuck to my mind said, “…hands like candles, eyes like stars, heart made of gold, mind powered by books, face of an angel and a body that looks something like those old pepsi bottles…” Haha. I wish I can get comments like that, except the Pepsi bottles part. LOL!

The comments, the blogs, the pics were enough indication of how great this lady is. So I messaged her.

Hi Dampton, Zach here. Thanks for adding me. You look really pretty in your pics. Who would mind being your friend? Do you have YM or MSN? Let’s talk some time. If that’s cool with you. (smiley)

I swear, I thought I was gonna have cardiac arrest right at that moment after sending that message, lol. Just like the first time I wrote Marie Digby. Haha. Oops, did I just say that? …

“Oh yeah!” I thought to myself, “Need to post the music to the profile now.” Posted the music, done. Profile Background, done. Fonts, perfect. I clicked Internet Explorer to sign in to my site, commented and applauded Zach on how badass his site is now, lol.

“What else?” Thinking out loud, I decided to add RockYou slideshow of all his pics. I signed in to Meebo, so I can also see both my messengers and see who’s online.

Khris is on SMS; Rain’s status message says “downstairs” as always; Sonny isn’t online; J is online; Mhaja, as always, is online; Robert is online and so are Tita Tess and Tito Boy, Leigh and Mervin as well, hmmm. Is there an online reunion going on that I didn’t know of? Haha. Anyway, all the others are either offline or on SMS. Oh well, back to RockYou.

“Hi, it’s me Dampton! Busy?”

OMFG! In real life I don’t react that exaggeratedly but this time, I was acting like a little kid with a huge secret crush and now, she knows. But this was way, way more intense.

Well, I said Hi! back and we started talking. She was like the coolest, funniest, nicest (what else.. =D) person I’ve met online. We chatted for about 8 to 9 hours, I wasn’t really counting.

Dang! I haven’t done that in my whole life as a chatter. I was having the time of my life. But beneath it all, I was thinking to myself, “Who’s the loser now?” because I am pretending to be somebody I’m not.

Dampton is half-Aussie and half-Filipina. Her mom is an Ilocana. She believes she’s 51% Filipino. She calls herself either a Filoranian or an Auspino. Haha. It’s also funny because she curses and cusses every now and then during the chat but everytime she does those I still find them cute. She just says whatever she feels like saying. That’s what I like most in a person, no pretentions, no inhibitions, just saying what’s in your mind.

She’s been here in the Philippines tons of times while growing up and she talks a little Tagalog and Ilocano but they’re sorta messed up, but nevertheless, she speaks them a little but what’s great is she understands them more. We did the usual telling each other of Tagalog and Ilocano words and phrases and translated them and laughed. We talked about so many things, things that seemed so deep and things that had no sense at all. But it was still fun.

More info about Dampton: I also learned that she goes to clubs a lot because her ultimate dream is to have her own club, she also wants to be a professional photographer and use her creations for business marketing and advertising whether they’re for fashion or design for business logos and stuff, she also wants to do counseling and be a social worker, can you ever get more noble than that. =D

I was enjoying myself so much I wasn’t even aware what time it already was.

February 14, exactly 12:00 am, Philippine Time/ 3:00 am in Melbourne, Australia

Dampton: Happy Valentines.
Zach: Huh?
Dampton: Isn’t it Valentines there now already?
Zach: Oh yeah, wow! Happy Valentines. (smiley)

“What a dork!” Thinking to myself. Here I am feeling that I could be falling for someone online for the first time while pretending to be somebody else.

Dampton: I’m glad I got to know you. There are just so many posers nowadays, people pretending to be who they’re not. I just hate people like that. They should learn how to love themselves and just be themselves. I can feel how genuine you are.

"Where are all these coming from?" I thought to myself.

Zach: Yeah, thanks. What you said about others pretending I agree 100%.

“Uhmmm…” That’s all I got to say for myself because I was already feeling the guilt starting to eat me. I knew she felt I was genuine because I was, at least my feelings were. I would’ve honestly told her who I was but it would be so weird to tell her why I’m signed in on Zach’s YM…

“…Uhmm, well yeah, this isn’t Zach really but yeah. You don’t really know me. I’m just someone redoing Zach’s site and since you added him, I approved you because I just got curious with your ‘Crazy Little Thing Called Love’ message on a cardboard….”

If I were the one being told that, I’d be scared and I’d think the person I’m talking to could actually be a stalker…. or something like that. So I decided not to tell her. I mean, what’s a guy to do, “It’s so hard to explain now,” I thought that time. She was hella sweet and I didn't want her to go yet then and log off on me, not when I was enjoying that conversation.

Dampton has invited you to view her webcam.

OMFG! I accepted it right away.

It’s really her. She’s so white (I actually go for morenas but what the hey! =D) and so pretty and her lips and teeth are to die for. I will definitely be dreaming about this and carrying this image for the rest of my life. She was sticking out her tongue, messed up her hair and making funny faces and I smiled and laughed the whole time. At one point she even imitated the girl from “The Ring”. Hella funny... and a little scary, lol.

But you know too well by this time where I went wrong. I pretended to be Zach. She seemed so fond of me (insert Zach), curious with a lot of things about me and I answered all of them basing on my personality, not Zach’s. So somehow, I knew she was actually getting to know me and, again, not Zach. But what difference does that make? Nothing.

By 2 am, Philippine Time, we were starting to say our goodbyes…

Dampton: When will we talk again?

I felt my heart bleed… and guys, I’m not being over dramatic or anything, I’m telling it the way I was feeling it… hell, I still feel the hurt now.

Zach: Later when you wake up. (she sent a grinning emoticon)
Dampton: Great! You better be here later or I’m gonna start missing you.
Zach: Aww. Sweet. I’ll be here for sure.
Dampton: I’ll be here first. Lol.
Dampton: I will miss this chat but that’s alright because I’ll get to talk to you again later. (grinning emoticon again)… oh yeah, not just the chat, I’ll miss you too.
Zach: Thanks. Am pretty sure I will too. (grinning emoticon)

Now I ask you. How can you not fall for a lady like that? Great sense of humor, hella pretty, no, she’s fuckin’ beautiful, intelligent, deep and shallow at the same time. I’ve never felt this kind of feeling for a fuckin’ long time. The problem is with me. Man, what am I gonna do now?!

February 14, 3:00 pm Philippine Time/ 6:00 pm Melbourne, Australia Time.

Zach: Hi there, Princess.

I know it’s dorky, what else is new with me? Well, I had to say something besides just buzzing, right?

Dampton: Hi. Missed you.
Zach: Aww.
Dampton: Missed me?
Zach: Hell yeah! I logged in as soon as I woke up.
Dampton: Sweet, Zach. Such a sweet talker. You keep doing that and you’ll regret it because then I will just have to go over there and start stalking you.
Zach: Haha. Really? I should go on sweet talking then. LOL.
Dampton: I was starting to get worried when’s my prince logging in.
Dampton: I didn’t go to work today because I didn’t wanna miss talking to you, so I called in sick. Talking to a great guy doesn't happen everyday you know.
Zach: Haha. Who’s the sweet talker now?

As definite as I am that I am in love, so is my being brokenhearted. Throughout our conversion, she told me that she doesn’t normally talk to someone this long, not to mention not going to work for a day just to talk to someone. All the flatteries just made things worse. Talk about God’s sick sense of humor, I rarely fall this hard but every time something like this happens, there’s always a twist somewhere along the way... always. And I wanna fuckin' know why? How come others get to be with somebody as easy as that. But not me. Unfair.

In this whole conversion, I may be using my heart and my mind talking to her but unfortunately, I was using somebody else’s face. It breaks my heart not to have done something about it the first time around, I just didn't see this coming.

Like I said, given the chance to redo this and turn back the time, I would say the truth right away but now after all the things said, it’s a little too late. I am not saying I could compete with my friend’s looks because I doubt it but I never felt insecure ever with anyone more goodlooking than I am. I wasn't raised like that and always knew everybody is special. Though I am not quite sure if she will ever like me had I said who I really was but I guess I will never know that anymore.

It’s true that looks matter in this world we live in… somehow. No matter how much we try to deny it, it’s really, really true. In Dampton’s case, as what she said in one of our conversations, Zach’s looks caught her attention right away and she said it just to be honest. I can’t blame her. That is normal because it’s the physical aspect of a person we see first, before the personality.

I know she loved my stories, the way I spoke to her, the way I made her laugh with my simple words but no matter how true I was to everything I was telling her, there lingered a big fat lie.

All this time she was thinking it was Zach she was talking to...

...so I am feeling so much hurt as I’m doing this blog because I know I’m not really the person Dampton wants.

Well yeah, she probably likes my personality but I know for sure Zach’s personality isn’t that bad either, he’s also a great guy. So why would Dampton choose a guy who’s just goodlooking (me, lol) with a nice personality when she could get a guy who’s got a really great personality, no to mention fine ass goodlooking (Zach, XD). Sob.

Note to Zach: No swelling of the head, aight? And by that, I mean both of what you got. LOL. Kidding, man.

February 15. Today I called Zach and told him I’ve finished redoing his site, I also told him what happened. He laughed and gave me the usual just-go-tell-her-the-truth and you’re-a-great-guy-who-wouldn’t-like-you advice.

He made it sound so easy. But that’s the thing, it’s not easy and I already messed up big time. I never, in my wildest dreams, thought that some girl behind a cardboard would ever take my breath away… never. I thought I’m too good for something like that, but I thought wrong.

I don’t think I would ever get to talk to Dampton again. I told Zach that what I did was a real big mistake. Again, more advice. He looked at his profile, thanked me for his profile’s new look but he was obviously more impressed when he saw Dampton.

"Brah, she's hot," He said. I just said, “You know what, just do whatever you have to do, talk to her if you like, she’s a great lady but just continue where we left off or else she’s just not gonna get it, she might even get mad at you. Or better yet, just tell her somebody got to access your site and did those things. Maybe then you guys can start over.” “Nah,” he said, “I’d tell her the truth if I were to talk to her. I don’t wanna lie to a woman with the kind of description you gave me, she doesn’t deserve that. I deleted her from my list already.”

I was gonna start protesting and ask why he deleted her, but nothing came out. It probably doesn't matter to Zach, he's got 931 friends left, of which about 75% are women.

I was speechless. I was really blaming myself now. Zach is right, she deserves better, why didn’t I see that? I was so engrossed with our conversation, totally enjoying it and withdrew the truth from her. She deserves better. I was selfish. I was more concerned with how I felt.

There’s really nothing else to do but to stop everything now. I know some would say that just gives more life and meaning to the word cowardice now. But it's more than just that now. What I did can't be undone anymore. Besides, that's what I think is the best to do now before I wreck more havoc, not just to me but to Dampton as well. Good thing my mind already took millions of shots of her during our chat. But that’s just as far as it goes. I guess I'm already good with that... I think... for now.

So as confused as I was on how to start this blog, that’s how confused I am now on how to finish this. I am so guilty right now, I feel I don’t even deserve to explain things to her. I feel I don't even deserve to feel anything at all because somewhere in the south-east corner of mainland Australia somebody, due to what I've done, could be wondering and hurting. So after much reflection I 'm deciding to just stop... really stop. That's it.

I am just gonna hope on hope that someday, if God wills it, and am praying He will, I would get to see her again and maybe start anew… and maybe even have the face to tell her everything that time around and finally come clean. But till I'm given another chance, I will just have to forget all these that transpired and hope that Dampton is strong as I saw her.

We all have our ways of healing ourselves and though I know some people would think my way of trying to heal is wrong, I still beg to differ. Both Dampton and I have said things we shouldn't have said and I still firmly believe there's no best way to start the healing but right away... now, that is.

I know she likes me (insert, Zach) so much already. I know, I’m sure, I can feel it. I feel way, way much more. But again, it's too late to do anything about that now. I'm feeling that she could also be wondering what happened and feeling just as hurt right now. Ouch! But right now, I’m so guilty all I can think of is to stop everything that’s gonna connect me to her. Double ouch!

Need... to... contact... mentor.... now!.... ugghh!

I'm sure what to do now... but somehow am still confused…

True, it's a Crazy Little Thing Called Love.

Soo crazy.

(Elp! Waah!)

FIN...

For more of my blogs, go to http://jt26_xxvi.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/

Journal Entry Edited and More....

I have the best family in the world. The most fun relatives. People always envy me for being so close to almost all my cousins, uncles and aunts, both sides. I hang with them like they’re just my friends, only they’re all more like my best friends. Both my grandfathers are gone, my grandmother from my mom’s side is gone as well, but I still have “Mama”, my dad’s mom, my "lola", who just happens to be only the best in the world.

I have the coolest friends, different sets for different aspects of my life. I am connected to the coolest people both here and abroad. Soon, I will be working for, what I think is, one of the best companies here. Am using all these superlatives because that’s just how it is, I can’t get a notch lower to describe them because they really are the coolest, the best… “bestest” even.

I love having all these people around, surrounding me with tons of encouragement and love… and truly enjoying having all these other good things happening to me… who wouldn’t?

But that’s not the point.

Up until now, my love life is still like a blank paper. I’ve had relationships in the past but now people keep on asking me “when”... over and over and over again?

Last night, I was just relaxing, watching some dvd in the living room and all of a sudden I found myself staring at the wall, then I asked myself, “Yeah… When?” I guess I wasn’t really thinking of when’s gonna be the next but it was more like when’s gonna be that one final relationship that I dream of lasting forever. Weird thing was it didn’t really sound like I was asking myself that, it sounded more like someone behind me asked me it. Then I thought of writing this.

I did find some people just last year. Some were a little too much for me to handle, some didn’t quite work out well, some just seemed like plain infatuation for me, maybe because somehow I knew at the back of my mind, I wanna be in love. But then I realized, it was just nothing, felt nothing.

Well, guess what, am not really searching because I have always been sorta scared of that one serious relationship when I will have to give myself again and be vulnerable to everything that person is gonna say, do or even think. But then again, I still want that serious relationship, the kind that I know is gonna be for keeps… but then again, am scared… but then again...

I just keep telling myself being single is good, carefree… I can do anything I want! Blah... blah... blah!!!

But sometimes, you know, at the end of the day, I would really hope someone could be there for me... whenever I feel sad, or maybe if am happy, share it with me. It’s true. Just like in bed, for example, I’m more comfortable sleeping alone but sometimes I know it also feels good to hug someone and be hugged back (note bene: I really prefer hugging someone than being hugged, something about me wanting to be more dominant… or something like that, am not really sure).

Just a couple of days back, I spoke to this person who I consider one of the reasons I am who I am now, he’s been like a big brother to me all these years, sorta like my mentor also. He told me so many enlightening things in the past but that day he told me something soo encouraging I felt so relaxed right away and knew after that that everything’s gonna be fine.

He told me, “John, I know you. Don’t think of things not worth thinking about. I see you like a big beautiful tree still rooting and preparing itself for the world to love. Take your time and cherish what you have now for they will never pass your life ever again. And when you’re fully-rooted and grown, strong and grand, you’d be unstoppable.” I mean hey, he sounded more like I’m the next Superman or some celestial being coming down to earth, just waiting to be adored, but that made my day somehow. I mean that and the other things he told me.

Another year already came to an end, with it I shall close another chapter of my life. I’ve finally decided that what has happened in the last few months is just a dream that I've conjured up. The words, the intentions, I've just deliberately distort them to keep my hopes alive.

So for 2008, among other of my resolutions, I shall try to stop my infatuation for this person. I'm always like that, infatuated but never truly involved. I know it's going to be tough, but I also know that just like all my previous uhmmm, how do you call it, crushes (well, that sounds more like someone from highschool would say but you get the idea), I will definitely forget.

Although I know one day, the same sequence will happen again… and maybe again... and again… and again. I guess that’s how it's gonna be, always trying to love and yet ending up being loveless… till maybe, just maybe, that fated day will come when I will know it’s gonna be that person for real. The person who will rock my world forever... so to speak.

It's such a bitter sweet process, each and every one of them every time. Worst part of getting involved is when I know it’s gonna happen or when I know it’s happening already and I don’t want it to happen, it still happens because I seem not to have enough power to stop it from happening, or maybe simply because I just want it to happen.

Loving and forgetting. Come to think about it, I never did forget, it's just that the memories are more distant now, each and everyone becoming just a blur, but still a memory.

Another year, another time this time to go out, meet people, create more friends… my doing those in the past and my doing them now are really never about finding "the one", or at least not intentionally, they’re more about me being there and doing that, experiencing every one (well, not literally, by the way) and being able to tell myself "no, this isn’t 'the one'" and continuing in believing that there is "the one"… somewhere waiting, believing, hoping that I will soon come. Hope lives when you believe, you know. At least that’s what I think.

I keep telling everybody that am scared of a relationship, that I am not ready when in fact I feel and I think I want one already, a real one. Am I in denial? I guess I am. But hey, no one’s getting hurt, so that’s okay still, I guess. Being in denial can be a blessing sometimes.

I'd also like to say that I’ve been partying, clubbing, going out since I left the seminary, I was 14 then. Yup, I once did go there. Now I’m, well, you know how old I am. You do the Math. I also happen to know loads of people in the clubs. I mean loads, tons and tons of 'em. Flirting from one person to another, getting drinks, chatting, then just moving on. By the way, just because I'm soo easygoing, soo approachable, soo friendly and soo talkative and just because people think am soo funny and soo open, some people think that I sleep around a lot, that I’m easy. I'm like what?! Night-outs are fun but undoubtedly, I always go home alone… well, okay, not always.

You see, I am the kind of a person who lives different lives at different levels with different sets of friends for different aspects of my life. But that doesn’t make me different. I know tons of people who seem to be living this (quote) normal (unquote) kind of a life but just isn’t. For some, it can be a confusing kind of life but I've sorta gotten used to it. I have friends I’ve been with for years who don’t know my other friends whom I've also known for years. It’s just the way it is. It’s like, for example, most people think I suck at cooking but for some they know for a fact that I work as a chef… or some would think I have the baddest ass when actually am a dork. I can explain further but I know you get the point. Some would think that’s like fooling other people, well it’s not. It’s just how I live my life. It’s about who I wanna be with, who and what I wanna be and who I wanna share my thoughts with, it's just about me really...

But as for love, if I were to bump into someone I like, I wouldn’t mind giving it a shot… always. That’s just who I am, always believing something great can come out of anything… but if you’re a part of my past, that’s always where you’re just gonna be. We could’ve been a couple but if we’re through, we’re through. Well, some of you already know that.

This might sound so cliché but I know “someone” is there waiting for me. I'm not bitter, not miserable, though for some reason I feel some would think that now. Am cynical, pragmatic, maybe... sometimes. hopeful, definitely. But bitter, miserable, I think not. It’s my personality to always complain of the little things just like this one now but am not really complaining you see... and yeah, I do appreciate little things as well.

My longest relationship lasted 5 years. Most people around me don’t know that. But my point is I know I am capable of getting into relationships and giving my heart away… whole.

So now, am thinking my thoughts aloud, if you’re there, my "someone", tell me. Am just here.

Am taking something out from my journal for others to see and read, my way of thinking aloud. So for others, to my friends and for those who think of me as their friend or whatever, tell me what you think. Am I easy, am I bitter, am I better or am I just being me... You tell me.

FIN...

In The Green Room Of My Heart...

Today, I woke up a little perplexed. I am asking myself why after all this time I still wake up dreaming about you.

The dream? Like any other dream that’s so obscure, this one is like it, it just didn’t mean anything, or at least it didn't seem like that. I was with you talking, I don’t know what we were talking about but in that dream I was looking at you, so intently. I seemed so far away but I see myself there with you. Your face so clear, every single little detail… your really dark brown hair pointing everywhere, your glasses that give you that mature yet intelligent look, your brows that you secretly plucked when we were still together, well, a lot of people does that, but yours are something everybody envied and loved, your perfect nose, those lips that seemed to smile all the time, eventhough serious, and a lot of other details...

See, I can even describe every detail of your beautiful face. It was beautiful then, beautiful still, but that face that launched a thousand ships, so to speak… well, I will never look at it the same ever again.

In all my dreams about you, I never had a dream like this before. Vague yet clear at the same time. The past dreams I had were seeing you from afar, either with somebody else, doing something that seemed really important, like what you always do in real life, and so on. In this one though, I was talking to you, face to face, and for some reason, I was hurting, and I was trying my hardest not to show you that I am dying hurt. I don’t know. I still find it weird dreaming about you, I wanna know why, why up until now. It’s not like I still think of you everyday anymore. Sometimes I go on for a month minding my business realizing then that you haven’t popped in my mind for some time already. You actually haven’t passed my mind for some time now… till this dream...

It’s been, what, more than a year already since we parted ways. I already stopped counting. I already stopped waiting. I wanna stop hurting. It hurts to think that you have probably moved on already long time ago, while me… I guess I want to say I have too, but somehow it’s still here… I can lie to everybody else, I can lie to you… I can even lie to the whole world… but not to myself. It still hurts once in a while. But you will never know that.

You know that right now I am happy, content. But that’s what you know. You probably have noticed a bit of cool coldness whenever we talk but hey, you would think that’s just me sometimes. I may seem not to have feelings for you anymore, but it will always be there, some of that old feeling, but then again, you will never get to know that anymore as well.

You will forever be in my heart… and nowhere else in this physical world we live in, not anymore.

In the green room of my heart, you will always live there. I may not think of you sometimes, not talk to you but you’ll always be there. It’s a really small little room where I know you will have everything you need, a really beautiful room but the thing is you can’t go out… but then again, it’s like paradise, only it’s a small room in my heart because I do only have one.. and the other rooms are for my family and another for friends and another for, maybe, the next person I will be loving next. I do not think I will ever love the same again but I will definitely love again. Maybe better, maybe greater, maybe harder… maybe. But never the same way again.

In that green room, everything is fixed, beautiful but fixed, so you can’t move anything. It’s a place where I know you will be safe and I know I can be safe from ever being hurt by you again.

Oh, the bigger room, the red one that you used to occupy upstairs is still there but it’s still messy, everything everywhere, I will have to fix it but you will never have that room anymore because I now know you can’t take care of it. You weren’t careful enough. It’s one of my most special rooms that not everyone can just get in. That room, it will take a long time fixing but it will definitely be fixed.

Until then, I will just keep on dreaming whatever, meet people wherever and it's okay because I know I will always have you in the green room of my heart.

FIN.

n.b. This blog was originally written on August 28, 2006. I just decided to repost it. Thanks for reading.

(for more of my blogs, go to http://jt26_xxvi.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/ )

Path Unknown: Why Me?!

Today, I got a text from a long lost friend and phew! It was awesome. Felt great right away. I never thought I would ever get to get in touch in with this person ever again and then, there... Boom! My cell got flooded with messages as to what happened to this person the last 3 years more or less.

It's just so weird because for some reason at the last chain of this person's text messages was something that really caught me off guard.

"...i know you it might weird you out if i tell you this but i have been meaning to tell you this for the longest time... this day holds a special place in my heart because this is also the same month and day i first met you three years ago. so hear goes, 'i love you... i always have and always will...'"

Am like WOW! Where did that come from?... What do you want me to say? Am soo speechless. I really don't know what to say. I wanna say something but my mind just went blank all of a sudden. I really wish I can say something.

All I can think of right now is why after three years. I don't even know who you are anymore, I mean I didn't even know much about you way back then, you don't know much about me either... now especially.

Am sorry I didn't answer that call, I thought of making this short blog instead. Am gonna give this a whole lot of thinking that's for sure. Either way I want us to be friends. If you ever get to read this, I wanna say thanks for feeling that way. Am feeling a little extra special because of that. =)

Let's talk again some time.

Body Kiss

The pleasure spots in a woman are also called as the erogenous zones. They are the sensitive, tactile points or areas in a woman’s body which yields and responds powerfully to tactile and oral stimulation. These parts are the places which get aroused quickly because of the close association of the nerve endings around them. When you kiss that area or gently nibble it, the woman feels an electric jolt of sexual pleasure which makes her wet and desirous of you.

Here are some of the places, where you can kiss you beloved. They are the area:

• behind the ear
• tip of the nose
• back of the neck
• underside of her forearm
• palm of her hand
• curve of her waist
• inside of her wrist

When you kiss these areas of the body, a woman gets aroused slightly. But this is an important part of foreplay and kissing because a woman's sex drives is unlike a man. Her sex drive is like an electric oven. It takes time to head and once heated to a point, it refuses to cool down quickly. A man's sex drive, on the other hand, is like a microwave; it heats up quickly at the touch of a botton and can be switched off again at the touch of the botton, after the food is cooked. Getting my drift? Since a woman's sex drive has the ability to remain in the plateau stage for a longer period of time, it is important to make her horny and feel excited. The best way you can make her feel sexy is by kissing the sensitive areas like back of the neck and the inside of the wrist.

A woman’s neck is of the hottest spots in her body. It is one of the best places to set loose a volley of deep full mouthed wet kiss. However, you should take care that you don’t give hickeys to her. Instead of covering her neck with saliva, what you can do is with a moist mouth cover the back of the neck with tender sweet kisses and also the areas behind the ears as well. Some women find it very arousing for mento kiss their ears and earlobes. When you kiss them, see that you explore the area behind her ear with your lips and tongue and gently breathe or exhale while you continue nibbling.

Kissing on the lips should not be restricted just to the lips. In fact you should kiss every aspect of her face, kissing her on the ear-lobes, eyelids, cheeks and chin as well. Move your hands well, caressing her all over her body. Initially you should just concentrate on the pleasure of the kissing and then move your fingers on her body.

Caress her hair sensually and run your fingers through her hair gently when you kiss her. When you kiss her, suck her lower lips with gentle passion. While holding it there with a little suction, stroke with the rigid point of your tongue in an up and down motion from the edge of your lip down to the fold of her chin. Another procedure is to trace your partner's lip with your tongue. This not only enhances the sensual feeling but also adds to the range of temperature sensations she feels. Softly suck on her tongue as a lead up of what's to come. Believe me, as you are doing this, she does feel the stirring in her depths. To show him and see for yourself how it will feel for her, treat her middle and index fingers to an interesting suck-session. And remember to have your tongue in circular flat moves around her finger as you suck on it. You can also kiss her fingers and suck on them and tickle her finger with your tongue.

There is simply nothing in this world that can beat those extended, slow, juicy, and very tempting kiss. Your woman will definitely feel your passion through one of those prolonged succulent kissing moments. Kiss her deep and intensely as if the core of your life will melt in her saliva. The skill of kissing does not simply consist of knowing how to maneuver your tongue inside a woman's mouth without hitting her tonsils. Rather, it involves the entire mouth – the tongue, the lips, the teeth and the rest of the body.

The kiss is the most beautiful thing a woman can expect from woman. Yes, there are many women who regard money, diamonds and great sex higher as well. But these are just some interests which may or may not rank high in a woman’s list of top three choices. But a sweet lingering romantic kiss is something which every woman will want from her lover. In fact a study on kissing has determined that most women based their decision of whether they would sleep with a man, on his kissing abilities! So make sure that your smooch makes a fantastic impact on her brain and lingers in her heart forever.