"LIFE SUCKS AND I LOVE IT": 02/18/08

February 15. 11:43 pm.

Alright. I really don’t know how or where to start.

Well, whatever. But here it goes.

You know how it is when you’re good at something (or at least better than others) and people rely on you on that particular thing or things. Well, one of the things I’m good at, I think, (or once again, at least better than most people I know) is doing Friendster, MySpace, Facebook, Multiply profiles or all those stuff of the same kind. Yeah, pathetic as it sounds but people come to me to do or redo their site. It’s not actually web designing, you see, so I’m not particularly proud of it. The helping part makes me a little proud though.

Anyway, I have this fine ass friend in Ontario, let’s call him Zach, who called me up to ask how I was doing, sweet dude!… we talked about tons of stuff then right before saying our goodbyes we got to talk about our sites and he ranted about his site being boring and stuff and asked me if I could help redo it. So, being the good friend that I am, I said, “No prob”. He gave me his email address and his password… and just like me, his one password is an access to all his accounts.

February 13. Around 2 in the afternoon. I logged on to Zach’s YM and MSN, clicked Mozilla, my primary browser, and signed in to his site and I started redoing it. I noticed he’s got lots of friends. I’m not quite sure if he knows all of them but I wouldn’t be surprised because he’s really, really popular. He has 931 friends. So as I was doing the stuffs that needed to be done, a friend request came in and I checked who it was. This person’s primary photo was some girl named Dampton (Don’t try searching, that isn’t her real profile name, lol) standing and holding a big old cardboard with words, “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” written on it. She was behind the cardboard, sorta looking down. I thought, “What A Loser!” LMFAO!

I realized Zach’s pics were really nice enough to gain that many friends but the thing is, I was guessing and later found out to be true, that he approves just about anyone. So once again, being a friend that I am and being nosy that I am, I saved him the effort and approved the request. I had to. For some reason I felt I needed to since I can’t really see her pics because her profile was set on private. As much as I thought that the primary photo was so not cool and unoriginal, dorky even, my curiousity still got the best of me.

While uploading some music to put on Zach’s profile, I checked Dampton’s. Looking at her primary pic, I still can’t help but smile… sarcastically, that is. 4 sets of pics; 1st folder with 13 pics, 2nd folder with 25, 3rd folder with 56 and the last forder only has 1. I don’t know about you but I hate looking at tons of pics of people I dunno, it doesn’t matter if she’s a famous actress, a supermodel or any other celebrity that I really like but my eyes feast and feed easily and get filled as quickly.

So I chose the last folder. I clicked on it and was almost ready to click “Back To Profile”… but what I saw the following seconds and looking at it seemed to have taken an eternity. Sitting on a big bench in some park, bright sunshine to the left (like there’s even such a thing as a dark sunshine, lol! note: poets and lyricists, please don't), kids everywhere, she was wearing white skirt and light green top and cute flops. The girl in the pic was holding her stomach laughing like a really, really funny joke was just said to her before the picture was shot. She has really white teeth, nice nose and perfect lips, pretty eyes which were almost closed from laughing, but I saw she has brown eyes, perfect skin.

I felt like I was looking at Sports Unlimited’s issue of Tyra Banks (1997) for the first time. I was in awe. I remember my mouth was slightly open when I first saw it. And by that I mean my reaction to both Tyra and Dampton. But Dampton isn’t black, not particularly model-looking, maybe not even as tall as Tyra, maybe not even as pretty but her smile made my heart stop.

Am I in love? Silly? But this feeling is oh so familiar, but it’s been such a long time I think I already forgot, so I could still be wrong. Besides who does fall in love with someone by just looking at a photo?

But hey, I said to myself, this photo could’ve been taken somewhere else, from someone, not knowing her pic is being used by somebody else (insert, identity thief). Well, this thing happens, so I had to look at the other pics. All four sets, 95 pics all and all. By this time, I already forgot what I was supposed to be really doing in the first place and I also forgot I was in Zach’s site and messengers.

Every photo made my heart stop. And once it starts beating again, it made fast skips and beats. It felt like looking at nude pics for the first time, haha, only that these weren’t nude pics. They were actually really wholesome pics. Maybe taken by one hell of a pro photographer, every shot was great, lighting and everything else was perfect. There was no photo that didn’t catch my attention. Every pic was truly awesome, I had to look at each pic longer than I should. I probably started looking at the pic at around 4pm after approximately an hour and a half, or make it two hours, I saw all the pics twice already, so much for the I-don’t-know-about-you-but-I-hate-looking-at-tons-of-pics-of-people-I-dunno statement I made above huh? LOL.

I wasn’t sure what else to think but one thing I was sure of, by that time, was they were definitely all her pics. I read everything in her profile, her blogs, I saw her friends, read her comments and saw how her friends saw her. One particular comment said, “…she used to be the ugly duckling among us her friends but now she gets all the guys…”. One funny comment said, “if only she weren’t my cousin. lol…” I’m like WTF! and one that stuck to my mind said, “…hands like candles, eyes like stars, heart made of gold, mind powered by books, face of an angel and a body that looks something like those old pepsi bottles…” Haha. I wish I can get comments like that, except the Pepsi bottles part. LOL!

The comments, the blogs, the pics were enough indication of how great this lady is. So I messaged her.

Hi Dampton, Zach here. Thanks for adding me. You look really pretty in your pics. Who would mind being your friend? Do you have YM or MSN? Let’s talk some time. If that’s cool with you. (smiley)

I swear, I thought I was gonna have cardiac arrest right at that moment after sending that message, lol. Just like the first time I wrote Marie Digby. Haha. Oops, did I just say that? …

“Oh yeah!” I thought to myself, “Need to post the music to the profile now.” Posted the music, done. Profile Background, done. Fonts, perfect. I clicked Internet Explorer to sign in to my site, commented and applauded Zach on how badass his site is now, lol.

“What else?” Thinking out loud, I decided to add RockYou slideshow of all his pics. I signed in to Meebo, so I can also see both my messengers and see who’s online.

Khris is on SMS; Rain’s status message says “downstairs” as always; Sonny isn’t online; J is online; Mhaja, as always, is online; Robert is online and so are Tita Tess and Tito Boy, Leigh and Mervin as well, hmmm. Is there an online reunion going on that I didn’t know of? Haha. Anyway, all the others are either offline or on SMS. Oh well, back to RockYou.

“Hi, it’s me Dampton! Busy?”

OMFG! In real life I don’t react that exaggeratedly but this time, I was acting like a little kid with a huge secret crush and now, she knows. But this was way, way more intense.

Well, I said Hi! back and we started talking. She was like the coolest, funniest, nicest (what else.. =D) person I’ve met online. We chatted for about 8 to 9 hours, I wasn’t really counting.

Dang! I haven’t done that in my whole life as a chatter. I was having the time of my life. But beneath it all, I was thinking to myself, “Who’s the loser now?” because I am pretending to be somebody I’m not.

Dampton is half-Aussie and half-Filipina. Her mom is an Ilocana. She believes she’s 51% Filipino. She calls herself either a Filoranian or an Auspino. Haha. It’s also funny because she curses and cusses every now and then during the chat but everytime she does those I still find them cute. She just says whatever she feels like saying. That’s what I like most in a person, no pretentions, no inhibitions, just saying what’s in your mind.

She’s been here in the Philippines tons of times while growing up and she talks a little Tagalog and Ilocano but they’re sorta messed up, but nevertheless, she speaks them a little but what’s great is she understands them more. We did the usual telling each other of Tagalog and Ilocano words and phrases and translated them and laughed. We talked about so many things, things that seemed so deep and things that had no sense at all. But it was still fun.

More info about Dampton: I also learned that she goes to clubs a lot because her ultimate dream is to have her own club, she also wants to be a professional photographer and use her creations for business marketing and advertising whether they’re for fashion or design for business logos and stuff, she also wants to do counseling and be a social worker, can you ever get more noble than that. =D

I was enjoying myself so much I wasn’t even aware what time it already was.

February 14, exactly 12:00 am, Philippine Time/ 3:00 am in Melbourne, Australia

Dampton: Happy Valentines.
Zach: Huh?
Dampton: Isn’t it Valentines there now already?
Zach: Oh yeah, wow! Happy Valentines. (smiley)

“What a dork!” Thinking to myself. Here I am feeling that I could be falling for someone online for the first time while pretending to be somebody else.

Dampton: I’m glad I got to know you. There are just so many posers nowadays, people pretending to be who they’re not. I just hate people like that. They should learn how to love themselves and just be themselves. I can feel how genuine you are.

"Where are all these coming from?" I thought to myself.

Zach: Yeah, thanks. What you said about others pretending I agree 100%.

“Uhmmm…” That’s all I got to say for myself because I was already feeling the guilt starting to eat me. I knew she felt I was genuine because I was, at least my feelings were. I would’ve honestly told her who I was but it would be so weird to tell her why I’m signed in on Zach’s YM…

“…Uhmm, well yeah, this isn’t Zach really but yeah. You don’t really know me. I’m just someone redoing Zach’s site and since you added him, I approved you because I just got curious with your ‘Crazy Little Thing Called Love’ message on a cardboard….”

If I were the one being told that, I’d be scared and I’d think the person I’m talking to could actually be a stalker…. or something like that. So I decided not to tell her. I mean, what’s a guy to do, “It’s so hard to explain now,” I thought that time. She was hella sweet and I didn't want her to go yet then and log off on me, not when I was enjoying that conversation.

Dampton has invited you to view her webcam.

OMFG! I accepted it right away.

It’s really her. She’s so white (I actually go for morenas but what the hey! =D) and so pretty and her lips and teeth are to die for. I will definitely be dreaming about this and carrying this image for the rest of my life. She was sticking out her tongue, messed up her hair and making funny faces and I smiled and laughed the whole time. At one point she even imitated the girl from “The Ring”. Hella funny... and a little scary, lol.

But you know too well by this time where I went wrong. I pretended to be Zach. She seemed so fond of me (insert Zach), curious with a lot of things about me and I answered all of them basing on my personality, not Zach’s. So somehow, I knew she was actually getting to know me and, again, not Zach. But what difference does that make? Nothing.

By 2 am, Philippine Time, we were starting to say our goodbyes…

Dampton: When will we talk again?

I felt my heart bleed… and guys, I’m not being over dramatic or anything, I’m telling it the way I was feeling it… hell, I still feel the hurt now.

Zach: Later when you wake up. (she sent a grinning emoticon)
Dampton: Great! You better be here later or I’m gonna start missing you.
Zach: Aww. Sweet. I’ll be here for sure.
Dampton: I’ll be here first. Lol.
Dampton: I will miss this chat but that’s alright because I’ll get to talk to you again later. (grinning emoticon again)… oh yeah, not just the chat, I’ll miss you too.
Zach: Thanks. Am pretty sure I will too. (grinning emoticon)

Now I ask you. How can you not fall for a lady like that? Great sense of humor, hella pretty, no, she’s fuckin’ beautiful, intelligent, deep and shallow at the same time. I’ve never felt this kind of feeling for a fuckin’ long time. The problem is with me. Man, what am I gonna do now?!

February 14, 3:00 pm Philippine Time/ 6:00 pm Melbourne, Australia Time.

Zach: Hi there, Princess.

I know it’s dorky, what else is new with me? Well, I had to say something besides just buzzing, right?

Dampton: Hi. Missed you.
Zach: Aww.
Dampton: Missed me?
Zach: Hell yeah! I logged in as soon as I woke up.
Dampton: Sweet, Zach. Such a sweet talker. You keep doing that and you’ll regret it because then I will just have to go over there and start stalking you.
Zach: Haha. Really? I should go on sweet talking then. LOL.
Dampton: I was starting to get worried when’s my prince logging in.
Dampton: I didn’t go to work today because I didn’t wanna miss talking to you, so I called in sick. Talking to a great guy doesn't happen everyday you know.
Zach: Haha. Who’s the sweet talker now?

As definite as I am that I am in love, so is my being brokenhearted. Throughout our conversion, she told me that she doesn’t normally talk to someone this long, not to mention not going to work for a day just to talk to someone. All the flatteries just made things worse. Talk about God’s sick sense of humor, I rarely fall this hard but every time something like this happens, there’s always a twist somewhere along the way... always. And I wanna fuckin' know why? How come others get to be with somebody as easy as that. But not me. Unfair.

In this whole conversion, I may be using my heart and my mind talking to her but unfortunately, I was using somebody else’s face. It breaks my heart not to have done something about it the first time around, I just didn't see this coming.

Like I said, given the chance to redo this and turn back the time, I would say the truth right away but now after all the things said, it’s a little too late. I am not saying I could compete with my friend’s looks because I doubt it but I never felt insecure ever with anyone more goodlooking than I am. I wasn't raised like that and always knew everybody is special. Though I am not quite sure if she will ever like me had I said who I really was but I guess I will never know that anymore.

It’s true that looks matter in this world we live in… somehow. No matter how much we try to deny it, it’s really, really true. In Dampton’s case, as what she said in one of our conversations, Zach’s looks caught her attention right away and she said it just to be honest. I can’t blame her. That is normal because it’s the physical aspect of a person we see first, before the personality.

I know she loved my stories, the way I spoke to her, the way I made her laugh with my simple words but no matter how true I was to everything I was telling her, there lingered a big fat lie.

All this time she was thinking it was Zach she was talking to...

...so I am feeling so much hurt as I’m doing this blog because I know I’m not really the person Dampton wants.

Well yeah, she probably likes my personality but I know for sure Zach’s personality isn’t that bad either, he’s also a great guy. So why would Dampton choose a guy who’s just goodlooking (me, lol) with a nice personality when she could get a guy who’s got a really great personality, no to mention fine ass goodlooking (Zach, XD). Sob.

Note to Zach: No swelling of the head, aight? And by that, I mean both of what you got. LOL. Kidding, man.

February 15. Today I called Zach and told him I’ve finished redoing his site, I also told him what happened. He laughed and gave me the usual just-go-tell-her-the-truth and you’re-a-great-guy-who-wouldn’t-like-you advice.

He made it sound so easy. But that’s the thing, it’s not easy and I already messed up big time. I never, in my wildest dreams, thought that some girl behind a cardboard would ever take my breath away… never. I thought I’m too good for something like that, but I thought wrong.

I don’t think I would ever get to talk to Dampton again. I told Zach that what I did was a real big mistake. Again, more advice. He looked at his profile, thanked me for his profile’s new look but he was obviously more impressed when he saw Dampton.

"Brah, she's hot," He said. I just said, “You know what, just do whatever you have to do, talk to her if you like, she’s a great lady but just continue where we left off or else she’s just not gonna get it, she might even get mad at you. Or better yet, just tell her somebody got to access your site and did those things. Maybe then you guys can start over.” “Nah,” he said, “I’d tell her the truth if I were to talk to her. I don’t wanna lie to a woman with the kind of description you gave me, she doesn’t deserve that. I deleted her from my list already.”

I was gonna start protesting and ask why he deleted her, but nothing came out. It probably doesn't matter to Zach, he's got 931 friends left, of which about 75% are women.

I was speechless. I was really blaming myself now. Zach is right, she deserves better, why didn’t I see that? I was so engrossed with our conversation, totally enjoying it and withdrew the truth from her. She deserves better. I was selfish. I was more concerned with how I felt.

There’s really nothing else to do but to stop everything now. I know some would say that just gives more life and meaning to the word cowardice now. But it's more than just that now. What I did can't be undone anymore. Besides, that's what I think is the best to do now before I wreck more havoc, not just to me but to Dampton as well. Good thing my mind already took millions of shots of her during our chat. But that’s just as far as it goes. I guess I'm already good with that... I think... for now.

So as confused as I was on how to start this blog, that’s how confused I am now on how to finish this. I am so guilty right now, I feel I don’t even deserve to explain things to her. I feel I don't even deserve to feel anything at all because somewhere in the south-east corner of mainland Australia somebody, due to what I've done, could be wondering and hurting. So after much reflection I 'm deciding to just stop... really stop. That's it.

I am just gonna hope on hope that someday, if God wills it, and am praying He will, I would get to see her again and maybe start anew… and maybe even have the face to tell her everything that time around and finally come clean. But till I'm given another chance, I will just have to forget all these that transpired and hope that Dampton is strong as I saw her.

We all have our ways of healing ourselves and though I know some people would think my way of trying to heal is wrong, I still beg to differ. Both Dampton and I have said things we shouldn't have said and I still firmly believe there's no best way to start the healing but right away... now, that is.

I know she likes me (insert, Zach) so much already. I know, I’m sure, I can feel it. I feel way, way much more. But again, it's too late to do anything about that now. I'm feeling that she could also be wondering what happened and feeling just as hurt right now. Ouch! But right now, I’m so guilty all I can think of is to stop everything that’s gonna connect me to her. Double ouch!

Need... to... contact... mentor.... now!.... ugghh!